table for one


Online dating…any kind of dating, really…FIRST dates. There are certain things that ALWAYS happen on a first date (NO, not THAT – well sometimes – sorry Mom). There are MANY reasons why I loathe dating (first dates being one of those reasons). I’ve not been on a first date for quite a while. For 2 or so years after my divorce I dated regularly; so regularly that it was just like having one long drawn out first date. Sure, I had a few nice one(s). But, mostly, it was a huge waste of time.

What bothers me most about first dates is the social interrogation. Here’s just few of the questions I remember from my stint with online dating/first dates and answers that I’d prefer to have given (but didn’t):

What do you like to do for fun?
I like NOT going on dates with near-total-strangers. That’s my idea of fun, so…the opposite of whatever this is.

Ugh, look at that tattoo (points toward girl at concert)…would you ever get a tattoo?
I have a tattoo and thank you for bringing it up and for letting me know you are a judgy prick.

You’re a graphic designer, so can you do T-shirts?
I can! I do not.

You’re an artist so what have you done lately? (btw, another artist asked me this and only because he wanted to show off his own animation projects.)
I don’t enjoy show and tell, but you’re totally artsy and stuff and that’s cool… (voice trails off, avoiding eye contact)… I like your beard.

What is your favorite smell?
Why am I here?

Look at that pregnant lady, aren’t pregnant ladies the cutest thing ever?
Sure, I have to go to the ladies room (never coming back).

Do you mind if we end this a little early? I have another date at 6.
Thank goodness, because you are a douche bag and I am allergic.

What blood type are you?
Wait…do you work for the blood alliance? They’ve been stalking me for a while.
No, I don’t want to be your blood buddy.

YOU work out?
Check, please.

You’re not surprised I’m single, I know. I have no problem entertaining myself, obviously. I’m not bitter (yet) either. I can still appreciate a happy engagement, wedding, birth, anniversary without smirking. I’ve seen that smirk on other people’s faces before and I do not plan on adopting it any time soon. Despite my bizarre experiences with all this stuff, I do believe in love. I’ve felt it, and I know that it shows up when you’re not looking for it. I believe that time is precious so I’ll not be wasting any more of mine on dates with strangers. And, just for the record… I’m O negative and my favorite smell is that moment right before it rains mostly because I get to say.. “Tut tut, it looks like rain”.

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