The last month and a half I’ve worried and cried and worried and slept (passed out) and limped along (popping advil like tic-tacs) all while being ultra positive and finishing projects around the house (ripped out weeds, planted flowers, replaced large appliances, painted furniture, hung curtains) worked extra hard at the day job. And, I swear, I’ve made my bed every damn day. This habit of mine where I try to control everything when I feel least in control of anything is in full force. I’ve started and stopped a Whole30 twice (because stress, and jelly beans) and I’m going back in for a third go of it tomorrow…I feel awful and I’m desperate to make things better, to make myself feel better.

I get almost no updates on my Dad’s condition (last known: critical) except when something horrible happens and I might hear about it DAYS later. I talk to a few friends who already know most of everything I’ve just spilled out here in this weird space for strangers on the internet (hi there, stranger). I’m not good at this, feeling helpless and, like, needing help dealing with life’s harshness. I want to go into my aimeecave and be elsewhere. I’m holding my breath (not breathing) and clenching my teeth (hello migraine). If I could, I would jump out of my own skin just to get away from myself. And I’m feeling shame at this moment, while I type all this whining and rambling on in a blog post. It’s a mess, I know. Like how I stopped going to see my therapist when I felt like I was never going to get through it – because every week (yes, weekly visits) I felt like a complete failure.

My life isn’t shiny happy and I’m pretty sure nobody has ever got that impression from this space…but I still consider this my “happy space” where the good and the real things live, where I have a wee bit of control…even when sad “truths” are biting and clawing at me:

Your parents aren’t going to live forever. You’re a terrible daughter, sister, aunt, friend, human and all the flowers in the world won’t change any of that. Idiot.

Pain is part of life as is death and grief and hope and love.